You're a Mean One, My Dear Wife!

I am a very mean wife.

And it is DELICIOUS to be so!

Ok, so maybe I'm not a VERY mean wife, but having a Husband who loves me so much that he will do practically anything I ask of him is very thrilling and, at times, entertaining.

As they said in Spiderman, with great power over your Husband comes great responsibility to abuse it for your own amusement.

Now this is not to say that I abuse my Husband or that I would ever make him do anything that he really didn't want to do. For instance, my Husband and I are devout Christians, so I would never ask him to do anything that would interfere with his relationship with God. But there are plenty of other opportunities to take advantage of my Husband's easy going nature and his chronic "foot-in-mouth" disease.

Like a few months ago, when my Husband told me that putting makeup on correctly was so easy, anyone could do it.

Funny enough, he couldn't.

The finished product. Eyebrows = WIN.

Or the time he lost a bet to me on a football game and had to clean our entire apartment wearing nothing but a make-shift Tarzan loin cloth.

Dear Hubby doesn't even mind if I tell or show you these things - on the contrary, he finds it hilarious. 

Now, these opportunities arise frequently. As I said, Jay suffers from chronic "foot-in-mouth" disease. This masterful disease has created such gems as, "Baby, twenty-five years with you would be an eternity."

He thought he was being romantic.

My laughter included snorting that day.

Last night, a fantastic opportunity to enjoy abusing my power over Jay arose. Along with my running, I have started doing pilates, swimming and a bellydancing DVD. 

Yes. Bellydancing.

Stop laughing, you twit.

I be looking all hot, and....stuff.

My cats join in. They're surprisingly good.

A nice surprise, I am actually picking it up very quickly. It made me feel very good about myself that I was able to get it down so fast because the girl on the DVD said beginners have a difficult time with the movements.

Showing my Husband the DVD and some of the arm and hand movements involved, he scoffed and proclaimed that, "Wow, they make it so easy, anyone could get it quickly." 

......Oh, no he didn't.

So I smiled my sweet, loving wife smile and said, "If it's so easy, get up off your butt and do the arm and hand movements." And so he did.

Jay stood beside the bed facing the TV and I started the DVD over. For ten minutes, it looked like he was a cat that is trying to scratch someone's face off, but is too tired to do it properly. He moved his arms up and down, not in a sexy, snake-like fashion, but more like a confused, "get away from me you evil swarm of bees, I'm going to swat you all with my crazy arms" fashion. During all of this, he was moaning about how sore the movements made his shoulders and he kept throwing his hands up and laughing, exclaiming, "I can't do this!" 

And his shoulder shimmy?

Non-existent.

"My shoulders don't move back and forth like that! I don't have any boobs! My shoulder is too sore to move it in a circle!"

All the while, I was dieing. I was rolling around on the bed, holding my stomach, laughing hysterically. This was such juicy revenge for making me feel like I wasn't special, and an entertaining show all in one. Afterwards, I showed him how to do it, and he was quite impressed, even as he rubbed his sore shoulders with Ben Gay. "It's definitely not as easy as it looks," he announced, giving me a sheepish, apologetic grin.

Yes, I realize that I am a mean wife, and that I exploit my Husband's love for me for my own personal amusement. 

But with how hilarious and brilliant I am every single day? I don't think he minds paying that price.