Friday 27 July 2012

Freaky Friday: Zombie Dance

Because you probably need a good laugh before the weekend begins, not to mention the opportunity to watch two really big dorks dancing like zombies, I present to you the video of my BFF and I, doing the Zombie Dance. 

Enjoy!


You're a Mean One, My Dear Wife!

I am a very mean wife.

And it is DELICIOUS to be so!

Ok, so maybe I'm not a VERY mean wife, but having a Husband who loves me so much that he will do practically anything I ask of him is very thrilling and, at times, entertaining.

As they said in Spiderman, with great power over your Husband comes great responsibility to abuse it for your own amusement.

Now this is not to say that I abuse my Husband or that I would ever make him do anything that he really didn't want to do. For instance, my Husband and I are devout Christians, so I would never ask him to do anything that would interfere with his relationship with God. But there are plenty of other opportunities to take advantage of my Husband's easy going nature and his chronic "foot-in-mouth" disease.

Like a few months ago, when my Husband told me that putting makeup on correctly was so easy, anyone could do it.

Funny enough, he couldn't.

The finished product. Eyebrows = WIN.


Or the time he lost a bet to me on a football game and had to clean our entire apartment wearing nothing but a make-shift Tarzan loin cloth.

Dear Hubby doesn't even mind if I tell or show you these things - on the contrary, he finds it hilarious

Now, these opportunities arise frequently. As I said, Jay suffers from chronic "foot-in-mouth" disease. This masterful disease has created such gems as, "Baby, twenty-five years with you would be an eternity."

He thought he was being romantic.

My laughter included snorting that day.

Last night, a fantastic opportunity to enjoy abusing my power over Jay arose. Along with my running, I have started doing pilates, swimming and a bellydancing DVD. 

Yes. Bellydancing.

Stop laughing, you twit.

I be looking all hot, and....stuff.

My cats join in. They're surprisingly good.

A nice surprise, I am actually picking it up very quickly. It made me feel very good about myself that I was able to get it down so fast because the girl on the DVD said beginners have a difficult time with the movements.

Showing my Husband the DVD and some of the arm and hand movements involved, he scoffed and proclaimed that, "Wow, they make it so easy, anyone could get it quickly." 

......Oh, no he didn't.

So I smiled my sweet, loving wife smile and said, "If it's so easy, get up off your butt and do the arm and hand movements." And so he did.

Jay stood beside the bed facing the TV and I started the DVD over. For ten minutes, it looked like he was a cat that is trying to scratch someone's face off, but is too tired to do it properly. He moved his arms up and down, not in a sexy, snake-like fashion, but more like a confused, "get away from me you evil swarm of bees, I'm going to swat you all with my crazy arms" fashion. During all of this, he was moaning about how sore the movements made his shoulders and he kept throwing his hands up and laughing, exclaiming, "I can't do this!" 

And his shoulder shimmy?

Non-existent.

"My shoulders don't move back and forth like that! I don't have any boobs! My shoulder is too sore to move it in a circle!"

All the while, I was dieing. I was rolling around on the bed, holding my stomach, laughing hysterically. This was such juicy revenge for making me feel like I wasn't special, and an entertaining show all in one. Afterwards, I showed him how to do it, and he was quite impressed, even as he rubbed his sore shoulders with Ben Gay. "It's definitely not as easy as it looks," he announced, giving me a sheepish, apologetic grin.

Yes, I realize that I am a mean wife, and that I exploit my Husband's love for me for my own personal amusement. 

But with how hilarious and brilliant I am every single day? I don't think he minds paying that price. 

Saturday 21 July 2012

How To: Photograph Star Trails

Star Trails in the sky around Polaris (the North Star)

This past evening, with a clear sky finally within my grasp, I dragged my Husband out to the country to finally learn how to shoot star trails.

Now star trails are exactly what you see above - the trails of stars in the night sky as they circle around Polaris, the North Star. If you have a camera with a "bulb" setting, this should be easy enough to do. Generally most SLR and DSLR cameras have this setting.

Having now photographed them for myself, I'll give you Stephie's list of dos and don'ts.

DO

  • Do go to the darkest area you know of. We live in the GTA (General Toronto Area), so that's difficult, but we went further north so that the north star would not be encompassed in the light pollution of Toronto. 
  • Do use a wide aperture, as it will allow more light (aka the stars) in. I used f/5.6.
  • Do learn how to spell "aperture" without using google to check.
  • Do use the lowest ISO setting you can, to avoid noise. I used 100. Can't get any better than that!
  • Do check your focus. Since it's hard to focus your lens on the stars, what I do is turn off my autofocus, manually focus where I think it should be, turn my ISO up to 1600 and then turn the shutter speed to 30 seconds. The resulting photo was bright enough for me to see how my focus looked.
  • Do use a star map to find Polaris, the North Star, or look for Ursa Minor (the little dipper). Polaris is the tip of the handle. The stars circle around Polaris. You don't have to, but it looks cool.
  • Do use a tripod, or your Husband's arms are going to be SO tired.
  • Do use a shutter trigger to keep your shutter open for a long time or your Husband's finger is going to be SO tired from holding down the button.
  • Do bring your Husband.
  • Do eat pizza. It's delicious.
  • Do watch "Batman Begins" on your mini DVD player in your car while your shutter is open, capturing the moving stars. I highly recommend it, it's really an excellent film, and Christian Bale's turn as Batman is exquisite. Four and a half stars.
  • Do leave the shutter open for as long as you like. The photo above was 60 minutes long, but I've seen people leave it open for more than two hours.
Now for my DONT'S.

DON'T

  • Don't forget your shutter trigger and your memory card in your apartment and have to turn back like an idiot.
  • Don't keep accidentally saying, "noise pollution" instead of "light pollution" or you're going to get corrected by your Husband about 50 billion times (a slight exaggeration).
  • Don't burn the roof of your mouth on the pizza. 
  • Don't be terrified of the dark countryside outside of your car as you sit in it, helpless if some psycho killer redneck who lives on the farm where you are decides he wants photographer for dinner and comes with a rock and smashes your window and pulls you out as you scream and try to fight back, but you really don't stand a chance because he's been lifting hay bails his entire life and all you do is lift cameras and he also sometimes works out to the P90X video his Grandma got him for Christmas so he's like, super strong, and he has a wheel barrow that he puts you in and he carts you away and serves you with a nice Pinot Grigio and a bearnaise sauce!....Yeah, don't be scared of that.
  • Don't watch too many horror films.
  • Don't keep thinking about that.
  • I SAID STOP IT. Ahem.
  • Don't accidentally turn your ankle while getting out of the car to turn off the shutter trigger when the photo is finished.
  • Don't hop up and down on one foot and mutter curse words through your gritted teeth after you turn your ankle while getting out of the car to turn off the shutter trigger when the photo is finished.
  • Don't freeze when you hear a coyote howl in the distance.
  • Don't say, in a terrified voice, "Was that a coyote?!" when you hear a coyote howl in the distance.
  • Don't grab your camera and tripod and throw them into the backseat of your car before launching yourself into the passenger seat and yelling, "FLOOR IT, FLOOR IT!" after you hear a coyote howl in the distance.
  • Don't drive home at lightspeed because you heard a coyote howl in the distance.
Star trails in Milton, Ontario

And there you have it! Now you know how to take a photo of stars moving in the night sky. I can tell you're thrilled and want to get right on that. And if I forgot to mention anything, don't sue me. I'm not a professional, I'm a geek.

But hey, I'm not being served with bearnaise sauce right now, so it's all good! 

High five, ya'll!

Saturday 14 July 2012

Big Fat Promotion

I am fat.


Now, reactions to that simple sentence vary. Some will gasp and say, "Nooo, sweetie, you're not fat, you're...big boned!" Others will snort and say, "Yeah, that much is obvious." And there will be a few that the word "fat" doesn't faze, and they'll just continue on their merry way, reading down the rest of this post. 


At least I hope.


Now let me tell you that I am comfortable. Not just with the word "fat," but with BEING fat. 


Shocked?


See, as stated before in a previous post, I am supporter of the Size Acceptance movement. The web definition of Size Acceptance is a "a grassroots effort to change societal attitudes towards fat, obese, and overweight people." It means that I believe in loving my body the way it is right now, not five pounds from now, not 100 pounds from now, but RIGHT NOW, as it is.


I believe in acceptance for all sizes, not just for fat people. I believe in exercise and eating well, no "fad dieting" or punishing your body for not being how the world thinks it should be. I believe in loving your body like it's your best friend.


Now, there are always people who don't believe in what you believe, and that's completely normal. But then there are people who are so very against what you believe, they take it and mold it and twist it into something completely different from what you actually mean. That has, of course, happened to me on several occasions, but none confuse my mind more than the belief that I am somehow promoting being fat.


Ahhh, yes. 


Somehow, my believing that you shouldn't hate your body has a few tongues wagging that I promote that everyone should be fat. 


Well, let me just say this.


You got me!


That's exactly what I'm doing. 


Being fat in this world is SO awesome, EVERYONE should be doing it, and I'm going the extra mile to make sure my dream of a fat utopia comes true!





Let's take a look at what the word "FAT" stands for, shall we? 

The "F" in fat stands for "Freedom." Being fat is freeing! When you're fat, you no longer feel the need to wear clothes since you can't find any in your size anyway, so you just run naked through fields of lavender and grain all day, letting your hair flow behind you, rejoicing in your soft, plushy body. 

The "A" in fat stands for "Awesomeness." Wow, is being fat ever awesome in this society! Let me tell you some of the awesome things you'll receive when you become fat:

  • Having to buy two tickets when you fly on an airplane because the airline thinks you're too big to fit into their tiny seat! I love paying more!
  • Never being able to find cute clothes in your size, and when you do, they're unbelievably expensive! Who needs them, we live naked (see the letter "f")!
  • Going on a ride at an amusement park, only to be told (in front of the entire line of people) that you're too big to fit on this ride and must leave! I don't like having fun anyway, and embarrassment is super cool!
  • Getting unwanted weight loss advice from virtually everyone from your family and friends to strangers on the street! Free advice is fat-tastic!
  • Getting dirty looks from strangers every time you eat! Enjoy that salad!
  • Not being able to fit into the bathroom stall at the store because it's made for people half your size! I'll just go in a bush later!
  • Being scared to go to the doctor because every illness you have from that cold to cancer is caused by your weight! My pinkeye will clear up if I lose ten pounds? Awesome!
You can have all this, plus much, much more! From stupid assumptions about you and your health to people yelling things about your body on the street, society is a bag of fun when it comes to being fat! Like I said, "AWESOMENESS!"

Finally, the "T" in fat stands for "Taco." This is a fat secret, and if the Secret Fat Society ever found out that I told you this, they'd revoke my Fat card, but when you come fat, you receive a free taco. Why? Because tacos are delicious.

So there you have it. Freedom, Awesomeness, Taco. 

I've been out there in the world every day, trying to relieve people of the oppression of "thin." I do my best to promote being fat - I picket, I hand out fat flyers and Burger King coupons, I go on Fox News. 

But really, I don't need to do any of those things. Just being OK with my body and going about my business is promoting being fat, much in the way that being OK with having pale skin means you are promoting being white, and feeling good about how short you are means you are promoting not being tall. 

Which all makes complete sense.

So if you ever see me jogging down the street in my cute workout clothes, promoting the fatness that I love so much, don't worry.

I'll be naked and back in the fields in no time. 

With my taco.

















Tuesday 10 July 2012

Vacation Photo Time!

So I feel that I should show some of my vacation photos on here. Jay and I have been to some fantastic places, and really, what is there to life if you can't brag?

Last year in April, Jay and I went to England and visited Buckingham Palace. Did you know the Queen is my 27th cousin 9 times removed? No? Well, now you're educated.

Anyway, we took a photo at Buckingham, and I think something special was going on that day, because there were so many cheering people there...maybe Justin Beiber was visiting...





Now! Our next vacation was a few months ago, in Washington, DC. We were trying to take a photo there, but this guy kept getting in the way! All my photos turned out with this man in them! Needless to say, I was VERY annoyed.





Now last, but not least, a photo from our winter 2010 Vancouver trip. Amazing views, just gorgeous, and we didn't even need coats (we're THAT good). But there were these CRAZY athletes all over the place - these skiers even tried to run us over when we were taking this photo! We were all, "Simmer down, skiers, this isn't the Olympics!" 





Hope you enjoyed our trip down vacation memory lane! As you can see, my Husband and I have changed a lot over the years, and we like to try different poses and outfits, but we're the same ol' dorky people from Ohio/Ontario that we've always been! 

Can't wait to see where we go next year, and I'm sure you can't either!



Monday 9 July 2012

Susie Frickin' Homemaker: Snot Soap

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, we welcome you to another episode of:






Welcome, welcome, and may the odds be ever in your favor! Opps, my bad, wrong character. 

Today on Susie Frickin' Homemaker, I'll show you how to make your own liquid dish soap! Or rather, I'll show you how I made my own liquid dish soap from a recipe from a real homemaker's website that has no affiliation with my blog! Then I'll show you how it all went HORRIBLY WRONG.

What you need:

1 bar of soap, any kind (I used Ivory)
8 cups of water
4 teaspoons of lemon juice or vinegar

Right! Let's start, shall we? FIRST, I used my mandolin to cut the soap into shavings. You can use whatever you have, but my mandolin made it so much easier. Second, I added the soap shavings and the 8 cups of water to a large pot and then heated it over medium heat until the soap shavings had melted, making sure it didn't boil. Then, you take it off the heat, let it cool a little and add the lemon juice or vinegar. I used lemon juice because vinegar just doesn't smell that nice. Lastly, let it cool completely all the way, then pour into your dish soap bottle.

Oh lordy, it all sounds so easy.

I did mine at night, so that when I awoke the next day, it would be completely cooled and I'd be able to pour it in the bottle.

I awoke from my chamber of secrets and made my way blearily out to the kitchen, silently cursing the sunlight pouring through our dining room window and stumbling over several cats along the way. I pulled the lid off the pot and stuck my finger into the liquid soap to make sure it was cool.

*GLOOP*

At least that's the noise I imagined it made. 

Eyes the size of saucers, I exclaimed, "EWWWWW!" and pulled my finger out of the pot. IT HAD SOLIDIFIED!

It looked like grease that had been sitting out too long. Not willing to give up, I got a whisk and started whisking it back into submissive liquid form. No good. I stuck my hands in and started squeezing it, and it did get thinner, but it was then I realized that this stuff feels and looks EXACTLY like SNOT.







So then I thought, "Let's strain it!" I put it in the strainer and put it over a bowl to catch the liquid.




Yeeeaahhhhh, that didn't work.

So finally, I put it back into the pot, poured some hot water in, mixed it up really good with the whisk until it was a very thin snot, and poured it into the soap bottle.



Tried it out, it does do the job, just....snottily. Besides, my Husband thoughtfully does the dishes most of the time for me.

And by that, I mean I make him do the dishes while I sit in the air conditioned bedroom playing "The Sims 3." 

So I poured the extra into a container for refills and called it a day.



Next time on Susie Frickin' Homemaker, how to remember to change the refill in your plug-in air freshener before it burns into it like a permanent piece of the structure!



Ha ha, no, I can't teach you that, I'm just gonna keep forgetting and let that sucker burn. 

Until next time, stay domestacular!